Gan Bo Yeu Thương

According to the book " Gan Bo Yeu Thương" by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, approximately 50-55% of the population falls into the secure attachment category. The remaining 45-50% are distributed among three attachment styles: avoidant (about 25%), anxious (about 20%), and a combination of anxious and avoidant (about 5%).

These proportions are relatively stable across various studies and are widely observed across many cultures. These statistics help in understanding how people form and maintain intimate relationships based on the attachment style they develop from childhood.

You might have heard of these concepts, and you might also be 'attached' to one of these four styles somewhat vaguely. I will summarize information for each group gradually, and in this post, I choose the anxious attachment group - the one I understand best.

1. How is anxious attachment formed?

   • Unstable childhood relationships with caregivers: They may have felt insecure not knowing when their emotional needs would be met by their parents, leading to unstable trust in love.

   • Lack of understanding and support from adults: If parents or caregivers sometimes failed to meet or inconsistently met emotional needs, the child might develop a fear of abandonment.

   • Unreliable emotional experiences: Negative experiences in past relationships, such as rejection or hurt, can reinforce anxiety in adult relationships.

2. Characteristics of people with anxious attachment:

   • High need for closeness and reassurance: They often seek reassurance of their partner's feelings and can become anxious if they don't receive immediate attention or feedback.

   • Fear of rejection or abandonment: They constantly worry that their partner does not love them enough or will leave them, even without clear evidence.

   • Sensitive to negative signals: They easily notice and magnify negative signs in relationships, even if these signs are not serious.

   • Controlling and monitoring behaviors: To reassure themselves, they might monitor, check, or seek frequent confirmation from their partner.

   • Tendency to self-blame: When feeling unreciprocated, they often blame themselves, thinking they are not good enough to deserve love.

3. Consequences of anxious attachment:

   • Loss of security in relationships: They often feel anxious and stressed, even when the relationship is going well, making it hard to relax or enjoy intimacy.

   • Pressure and stress for the partner: Due to the need for constant affirmation, they can put pressure on their partner, leading to tension or imbalance in the relationship.

   • Relationship breakdown: Overwhelming behaviors like control, demands, or hypersensitivity to changes can make their partner feel suffocated, leading to relationship cracks.

   • Cycle of anxiety and instability: These individuals often fall into a negative cycle where their anxiety prompts behaviors that push their partner away, further increasing their anxiety.

However, this information is for reference only. If you have not taken a test or been assessed by experts, avoid quickly defining your attachment style. Even if you are not securely attached, it's okay; you can always manage and reduce those feelings through various tools and advice.

Read with an open mind and delve deeper if you think you have issues developing and maintaining emotional relationships. This will provide a foundation for building healthier and more stable emotional lives.